Tell us a little bit about yourself. Can we get it in a pro/con list?

Pro – sweet hair color, kind of sketchy but in a good way, computer skillz
Con – ginger (no soul), willfully redneck

So, you’re a bit of an amateur artist. How did you realize you were talented at drawing ridiculous photos for friends?

I did pencil sketches for like $40 a pop in high school. Real talk.

I actually started my college career as an art major, got about two days in and thought, ‘Gee, I’d like to have a job someday’, so that was the end of that. I have a really hard time taking anything seriously, so portraits of friends naturally turned into fantasy art.

What made you switch from art to computers in college? Did you do it for the community service aspect – making dreams come true for computer geeks?

I like computers. I like code. Cynically, I figured it was something I could make decent money in, just about anywhere. I tried to stay as far away from the nerds as I could. They weren’t intimidating really, just… creepy. I had a little anti-social shell of friends that I surrounded myself with: the subset of CompSci majors who are relatively normal (~20%) that must have gotten lost on their way to sign up for mechanical engineering.

What was it like looking like you do and studying computer science? Do you think any of your classmates went back to their dorms and created computer animations of your likeness?

I got accused of making a guy fail a test one day when I had my thong hanging out. Not my fault if the auditorium seating gave him a good view but I’m pretty proud if that’s true. Girls make up < 5% of CompSci majors after about the first semester, so it was definitely strange. In my senior year, we had an auditorium of at least 100 people and three girls: an over-achieving Asian, a goth, and me. I think I came across as a really good student because I was always the one who had the assignment due on Monday done by Thursday night, but only because I was planning on getting alcohol poisoning over the weekend.

What exactly do you do at your job? And what do you do at your job that isn’t necessarily job-related?

Well, I hear a lot of stories about 1980’s Seneca from across the hall, stories involving Camaros and Rumpleminze, and I participate in making the office a horribly sexually unsafe work environment most days. No, but tomorrow for example, I need to set up a printer and a network scanner for the Board of Trustees’ secretary and do a Mac setup workshop for incoming freshmen (many of whom, staggeringly, don’t know what “Copy & Paste” is). Highlight of the week: I’m moving a guy’s computer to a different desk in his office and he asked me if he’ll need to buy longer cables for his keyboard and monitor. He didn’t realize we were going to move his computer itself; he thought we were just going to stretch all the cables across the room. #jobsecurity

So, several sources [mainly, the interviewer] claim that you’re planning a wedding. What part of this special day are you most excited for?

Kyle Hooper’s dad Joey, shirtless, mustached, Fry-Daddying catfish and chain-smoking in jorts.

What are you favorite things about your bridesmaids, Dava and Lauren? Least favorite?

Favorite thing about Dava: filterless!
Favorite thing about Lauren: has the ability to be a voice of reason in the wilderness
Least favorite thing about Dava: is developing a sense of shame, untagging herself in terrible pictures
Lease favorite thing about Lauren: she escaped from my basement and is trying to live in the world on her own

Which classes are you planning to take for fun and why and do you think NASA will be calling you soon when they hear that your hobbies involve molecular biochemisty?

It was going to be Chem 101 or Arabic but I’m getting progressively lazier as the summer unfolds and it gets closer to being time to register and pay any lab fees. NASA might have to wait until after I retire and can resume being a fulltime student/bullshitter.

Unnamed sources claim that you authored the Twilight series and hired Stephanie Meyer to be the public face of the empire so as to maintain your lifestyle. Care to confirm or deny?

Team LetsInventATimeMachineSoStephanieMeyerNeverHappened

Fill in the blank-

If I could change careers and be anything my heart desired, I’d be _THIS (really!)_.

If I could change anything about Lauren, I would change _her haircolor (complete our rainbow family)_.

My favorite memory of living with Dava is _playing fast and loose with Bacardi 151_. My favorite memory of living with Lauren is _Lifetime movies and rendering harsh judgments_. If we all lived in a house together, it would be _condemned in a week_.

My favorite meal I’ve ever made is _turnip greens and bacon_.

_Coors Light/black truffles_ are great when paired with tilapia.

_Real Housewives of Seneca_ is a _my ticket to stardom_.

While I was immersed in this world, Kim decided to interview me. Here are the results-

So tell us a little bit about yourself. Can we get it in pro-con list format?

I’m a perpetually single (con) 26 year old (con) “merch girl” (pro? con?) with a college degree (pro) and the inability to secure a graduate school acceptance for longer than 6 hours (con).

[POST-TOUR UPDATE: I just secured a position in my top-choice graduate program! (ULTIMATE PRO)]

I’m both intentionally and unintentionally awkward (pro AND con). I got a B in physics, having avoided studying or learning anything about the subject other than light exhibits properties of a wave. I even got an A+ on an exam I took in the midst of another tour (pro). I am thus far unable to pass or complete a course in organic chemistry (con). I’m in the process of diligently crossing items off my bucket list, due in large part to my “profession” as a merchandise “manager” for Sent By Ravens (INC!) (pro).

Did you think 5 years ago that you would be living part-time out of a van with 7 guys?

I never knew one COULD live in a van, with the exception of that one down by the river. Honestly, five years ago, I was living in Pennsylvania, attending an all girls college and planning to apply to veterinary school. Attending shows and traveling with a band wasn’t even on my radar, let alone a goal. But I’ve since learned that plans are for fools, and you should take opportunities as they arise. I truly never thought I could have such an enjoyable ride down a path with no set destination. I feel very fortunate to have been “adopted” by these particular guys.

What would past you have thought about future you if you had told her this?

Past me would have called current me a tramp with no direction in life. But past me had no sense of adventure or bravery or knew the fine art of sarcasm, so… suck it, past me!

[POST-TOUR UPDATE: Past me is a fool, current me is very prepared to live out of suitcase during grad school travels BECAUSE of this tour. Once again, suck it, past me.]

What is the best meal you’ve had on tour so far?

Once a week, my dad buys us all dinner, so I will go with the final dinner of tour at Carrabba’s with Queens Club and Sent By Ravens. It was so unusual to eat in a decent place while on tour, and I couldn’t have asked for better dinner company. Other memorable dinners included the first Dad Dinner (Outback in St. Louis) or a dive place called Hoot N Howl somewhere in Wyoming. (Thanks dad, you’re the jam, the sugar in my coffee, the bee’s knees!)

How does the driving work? In shifts? What’s the furthest you’ve had to travel between gigs so far?

We all take turns driving 3-4+ hour shifts. There’s no set rotation, but a few of the guys drive more than the rest of us, simply because they get too antsy riding in the van. I get asked this frequently, but I do actually get to drive the van and trailer. And I don’t want to brag, but I will, and I will say that I can back up the trailer like a pro, but I do better without the boys heckling me like the brothers they are.

Me: Jon, move over.

Jon: NO! I WANT THE WHOLE BENCH SEAT!

Me: I’m sorry, I just spent 10 hours in a bunk, so move over.

Jon: I’m sorry, I just spent 5 hours driving.

Me: I’m sorry, you’ve only driven 3 times this entire tour and I’ve driven 3 times more.

Jon: I’m sorry, I’m in the band.

Zach: Technically, she’s been in the band longer than you. She has seniority.

The longest drive was definitely the one from Atlanta, GA to Gillette, WY. It took about 34 hours and we drove straight through, with short breaks spent eating, playing paddle ball, or giving each other fake shark tattoos I bought at Cracker Barrel. The other drives between shows have been quite long, 7-14 hours on average, but by the 32nd hour of driving, we were all absolutely batty, and not even a game of Apples to Apples could tame us.

Zach: We should go see Rushmore when we drive through South Dakota.

JJ: What’s that? A small creek?

Ever gotten any strange propositions, working as a merch girl in bars?

Until this tour, I could say no, save for the occasional guy staring down my shirt as he slips a single dollar bill into the tip jar. But somehow along the way, I suppose through social networking sites, I’ve gotten on the fan radar. The drummer has been asked several questions about me on his formspring account. In Seattle, a girl whom I’d never seen before, nor met, approached me to tell me she and her friend, who lives in Texas, want to start a fan club for me and that most guys aren’t deserving of me, so I should consider switching teams. This led me to reconfirm that I’m 183% sure I like guys, not girls. Never girls. I definitely get the curiosity, I’m living in very much a “boys world” but I’m not selling shirts and CDs to become famous, so it’s been a bit off-putting.

Do you have any favorite guilty pleasure songs?

We’ve all been listening to Queens Club’s Young Giant album. They’re Sent By Ravens’ label mates on Tooth & Nail and they’re also on this tour, and I can’t say enough nice things about them. We’ve been having sleepovers most nights, and the guys in both bands dream of someday touring in a double-decker bus together.

[end blatant promotion for another band]

My main guilty pleasure is the Glee soundtrack. Yeah, I’ll admit to it. Sometimes, when I drive, I make the boys listen to it.

What does a typical day look like on tour (eating, sleeping, rocking out)?

It varies day to day, depending on how long the drive is between shows, but we usually wake up around 9- 10am, I try to shower (whether that be in someone’s house or utilizing baby wipes and a WalMart bathroom), and then hit the road to the next show (often, we drive to the next stop the night before, or at least try to get halfway). This band makes HEAPS of bathroom and food stops, more so than any other band I’ve ever encountered. Usually, the band has to be at the venue at around 3-4pm. While they’re setting up their equipment, I’ll set up the merchandise display (”merch table”), do inventory, etc. Then we’ll usually go grab something to eat before the doors open. I stay at the table most of the night, in case any one wants to buy a shirt during the show. (That’s actually where I am right now, as I type this.) The boys make their way to the table throughout the night, but all gather here after the show to meet the crowd and talk to people and generally harass me. We usually leave the venue by about midnight, making the requisite “post-rockin-out” food stop before starting the night drive. That’s essentially the day, and it’s repetitive enough that days blend together and I honestly thought it was Sunday all day today. [It's Tuesday.]

So you just appeared in a music video for Sent by Ravens. Having taken a page out of the video vixen playbook, what’s next? A instructional book series?

I’d like to author an instructional book on how to be a merch girl without sacrificing your dignity. Girls! Be the girl who gets to go on tour, not the girl that is talked about on tour! And it will be a pop-up book.

I’m going to ask the tough questions. I hear you have a beef with the ocean; were you involved in the Gulf oil spill?

Just because the ocean cockblocked my attempts to attend grad school does not me I’m a contracted consultant for BP. How dare you?! I would love to clean oil off of otters though, but apparently you need a M.S. degree for that. Sorry, otters!

[POST-TOUR UPDATE: Otters, give me about 18 months, and I will know enough to de-oil you!]

On a lighter note, do you have a favorite tour moment so far?

The Seattle show was probably my most favorite day so far. We drove all night to get there, and I woke up in the van at 5am as we were driving along the water. We ate our weight in donuts from Top Pot, walked around the city, were treated to lunch by the guys’ A&R at the label, and then the guys played an amazing show at El Corazon. But my most favorite moments happen daily, when we’re all just hanging out and guys from multiple bands are ganging up on me. Dane and JJ tried to give me Cheez-Whiz filled Oreos once. (WHO RUINS AN OREO?) and the entire band stood in front of me while I was cat napping at a venue and screamed at the top of their lungs. We also went ice skating at a mall in Iowa City, and everyone pretended to be Apollo Ohno.

And in Columbia, MO, we rented scooters for $10 and zipped around the city, to include inadvertent detours on the highway.

I’m sure you have a least favorite…?

Waking up in the van under a boiling sun and having to “shower” in a Wal-Mart bathroom is not ideal, but it’s still an adventure. Also, driving 34 hours while fighting a nasty head and chest cold wasn’t the greatest time, and finding a doctor to prescribe antibiotics for 3 separate upper respiratory infections was also a bummer, but it’s hard to focus on the negative when you’re traveling the country with your best friends. I’m here by choice (not force, as the guys would have everyone believe), so I choose to enjoy every moment.

Me: I don’t wanna get all of you sick, maybe you should’ve left me behind in GA.

Zachy: You think it’s too late to do that? That’s cute.

You recently got your first tattoos. Any more in the works? Piercings?

I don’t know that I’ll get any more tattoos any time soon. The ones I have were ones I’d wanted for years, and I don’t have any more ideas. Also, I have this crazy idea that someday I’d like to be a legit professional adult and I’m sure full sleeves are not a pro for the professional world. I do miss my nose piercing though, I felt like I fit in much better on tour, but my nose felt otherwise. I’m pondering those stick on earrings that we all rocked in the 90s.

Sources [judgmental strangers, grandmothers] tell me you’re a whore. Can you address these allegations?

Sometimes a girl can travel with a band and live with a band and have no romantic history or future with anyone in the band. My life is such an example.

Me: Honestly, the thought of dating any of you makes me want to throw up.

The band, collectively and simultaneously: We feel the same about you.

And that’s why I was fortunate enough to be included in this glorious group of minstrels- I’m just a friend. This lifestyle does make it incredibly difficult to have any kind of dating or social life, but the single boys in the band can commiserate with me on this, so it’s not so bad. Well, the judging by strangers is kind of bad.

Finish the following sentences please:

When I am alone, sometimes I think about ___.

how nice a shower would be

how nice my bed would be

what the hell am I doing with my life and why is it so much fun?

I prefer my ___ with gravy on it.

mashed taters

life

Zach Galifianakis

The only thing Wyoming is good for is ___.

beautiful skies

negative amounts of cell phone reception

lots of plaid (not worn ironically) and pickup trucks

My ideal guy wears a size ___ and smells like ___.

that fits him (no muffin tops, boys)

clean (boys, showering involves soap!)

I hate it when the guys in the band ___.

pee in bottles (I’m holding it, why can’t they?)

fart excessively

play a game called “Lauren, your father will die in a fire unless you pick one guy from each band to be your boyfriend, who do you choose?”

Top bunk or bottom bunk?

Top bunk or seat, because I’ve seen Stepbrothers, I know what happens when you bunk beds to have more room for activities. Also, I’m too tall for the bottom bunks.

Having gallavanted all over the country, what is your favorite state so far? Least favorite state?

Wyoming and Montana were beautiful, despite their inability to maintain my cell service. Seattle was grand, and I wish we’d had more time to spend there. Oregon was also beautiful. And all those states had my ideal weather conditions- i.e. NO HUMIDITY.

I haven’t hated any of the places we’ve gone, but the midwest needs to get it together and fix their potholes because it is not enjoyable to be bounced from a bunk in the middle of the night. Also, we are currently in Alabama, and I truly have not missed the humidity.

What in the nightmare hell does this look like ?

It’s an angry tiger covered in rabid grasshoppers. It also may be my next tattoo? Wait, no.

Just how much are you going to miss tour life/the guys when it’s over?

Once I’ve recovered from the lack of sleep and gotten used to consistent showers, I’ll probably slip into a deep depression and play Death Cab on repeat, only venturing from my room to nibble on crackers and stale cereal. Honestly, I’ve been counting down the end of tour since the day we left, but not in an anticipatory way, but more in a “aw, man, we only have 6 weeks of tour left!” I truly miss home, but I will also miss touring.

[POST-TOUR UPDATE: Which is why I’m going to study in a graduate program that is 80% travel.]

Of course, least but not least, do you have a message for your fans?

(Aw, that’s cute that you think I have fans.)

I would like to make it abundantly clear that I have never dated any of the guys, never will date any of the guys, and am not remotely interested in any of them in that way. Their wives and girlfriends are some of my closest friends and the guys themselves are like brothers to me. Being a merch girl is the equivalent of retail sales + sass + bullying + assistant (to the) tour manager + life coach + personal assistant + little sister, emphasis on the little sister part. But honestly, any fans I have are really just fans of the guys, and SBR fans are the nicest group of people who have been so incredibly supportive. Any success the guys have is because of their hard work and the support network they have

[POST-TOUR MESSAGE TO THE GUYS of Sent By Ravens- thank you for adopting me into your band family, and inspiring me to make bold life choices (the same bold life choices that are causing my immediate retirement from merchandise manager as I move to a far off and distant place to get my master's degree and pursue my passions) and teaching me to be kind and loving and forgiving of others, but to be that person with a dash of sass and a smattering of sarcasm. Life is better when you laugh, always. Y'all mean the world to me, and I can't wait to see where you go in life, I can't wait to read about it on twitter.]

Check out digital artist Ross Racine’s collection of fictional aerial shots of suburban landscapes here. There is something so surreal and so spooky about these!

Via Bad Banana

Food

Chemistry

In the movie of this tour/my life, I predict that I will have the artistic licensing capabilities to choose the actors who portray pivotal roles.

Ewan McGregor as the lead singer, a lyrical wizard composed of about 98% pure sass and 72% love of life.

Jude Law as the lead guitarist, a kind and gentle spirit/father figure. (I predict Jude will actually grow dreads for this role.)

Matthew McConaghuey as the rhythm guitarist, a Hawaiian native with a heart as big as his abnormally large fists, who may be the most unintentionally funny person I’ve ever met.

A young John Travolta as the bass player, a shy Floridian who is the most proficient sleep talker in the history of science.

Andy Samberg branches out from Saturday Night Live Digital Shorts to play the drummer, a Hawaiian human metronome with an addiction to his iPhone.

Seann William Scott as the tour manager, who keeps us grounded, likes to drive at night, and keeps the rest of the band from picking on the lone girl too much. (I realize Mr. Scott looks very little like the actual tour manager, but in the future, I will really want him in this movie.)

And lastly, a young Sigourney Weaver will play me, the merch girl, a hipster with a heart of gold, who is both intentionally and unintentionally awkward, perpetually young at heart and spirit, and who does not have a romantic side-story with any of the other characters. Ever.

(Y’all? Sometimes, a girl can travel and live with 6 guys for months at a time, and she does it with no romantic ulterior motives. I know, crazy, right? But not all merch girls are trying to sleep with musicians, sometimes they just like to travel and have adventures. In my experience, being a merch girl is 2 parts personal assistant, 4 parts life coach, and 16 parts little sister. No, seriously, they pick on me a LOT.)

It’s a 2600 ft.² masterpiece of off-square doorways, wood panelling, and bad wallpaper sitting on a jungely acre of dandelion weeds and ant hills (that I gave the Viet Kong treatment last weekend). Having moved from a cramped apartment, as far as space is concerned, it’s a complete embarrassment of riches. We’ve only got enough furniture to fill a tiny fraction of the space.

But that’s what industrial cable spools and egg crates are for.
(If I had theme music, it would be set to the banjo, but that’s another story.)

It’s got good bones, as the saying goes, but it’s got eczema in the form of some fugly wallpaper. That has been this week’s project. Speaking of dry, itchy feelings, I spent a little over $6K in two days last weekend. Shazaam!

the master bathroom, stripped of it's cherubim (yes) wallpaper

To leave the amazing room divider or not?

The fridge has been switched out for a gently used Frigidaire Gallery. The cabinets are losing their Medieval Times hardware and are getting slapped with a coat of robin's egg blue paint this week. The wallpaper gave up the ghost last night. The linoleum floor and the straight-out-of-my-childhood formica countertops will live to fight another day, as my savings account skulks back into the shadows to nurse its wounds.

First order of business: the No-No List.

Some high/lowlights:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
It’s like the wildcard spot on the wedding bingo card: it’s a given. I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding yet where there hasn’t been a reading of Corinthians. Do a shot for Corinthians. Chug your drink if they follow it up with Ecclesiastes.

flower girls & ring bearers
Not cute, not necessary. File this under Justify Your Existence.

the Electric Slide
No.

1,000 wedding photos
Here’s the thing: you’re not going to look at your wedding album any more often than you do a Facebook album. You’re not. Don’t tell me you are, because you’re not. It’s a nice keepsake. It’s worth having a few prints made, maybe framed, but that’s it. You don’t need an uncomfortable, formal photo of every combination of bridal party members. You don’t need staged Harlequin bookcover shoots of you and your spouse in a field of wildflowers, in the romantic glow of dusk. That shit looks retarded. Don’t waste your time. A couple shots of the bridesmaids, a couple shots of the groomsmen, and let’s get to it.

curling irons
NUH-UH

*We did come up with a few things we actually like, despite our best efforts, including spin art, entertaining programs for the guests to read before the ceremony starts, pyramids…

One stroke of genius not mentioned on the napkin was our idea to replace the traditional wedding processional with an acoustic rendition of Laffy Taffy:

The elevator pitch: “”"country”"” themed (there are three sets of quotes because I need to emphasize how obliquely I want to approach this theme). Picnic tables, old tablecloths, rustic, imperfect details. Short, white dresses on the whole bridal party. Bright colored shoes. Food that lends itself to big stockpots (a nice low country boil or a fried turkey).

I made this last night and it’s going on the short list!

Via EverydayPaleo.com

This is what came up when I Google Imaged "jim wendler" and frankly, I'm delighted with it.

When you are a 5′6″, 130# female, who’s current – hey, back injury, what’s up? – max deadlift is somewhere in the neighborhood of 160 lbs., how do you climb back on the lifting horse?

Obviously, you follow a periodization scheme developed by a man whose traps look like the result of plate techtonics.

I’m a month and some loose change in but so far, so good; results are slow and steady but I’m up 10 lbs. on my squat and deadlift and 5 lbs. on my overhead press and bench.

Here’s a nice breakdown of Jim Wendler’s 5/3/1 plan on [why didn't I name my blog] TheSwole.com.