(I don’t know how most people spend their last weekend home for six weeks, but this is what I did. Adventures will commence in 4 days but the sTOURies start now.)
In the movie of this tour/my life, I predict that I will have the artistic licensing capabilities to choose the actors who portray pivotal roles.
Ewan McGregor as the lead singer, a lyrical wizard composed of about 98% pure sass and 72% love of life.
Jude Law as the lead guitarist, a kind and gentle spirit/father figure. (I predict Jude will actually grow dreads for this role.)
Matthew McConaghuey as the rhythm guitarist, a Hawaiian native with a heart as big as his abnormally large fists, who may be the most unintentionally funny person I’ve ever met.
A young John Travolta as the bass player, a shy Floridian who is the most proficient sleep talker in the history of science.
Andy Samberg branches out from Saturday Night Live Digital Shorts to play the drummer, a Hawaiian human metronome with an addiction to his iPhone.
Seann William Scott as the tour manager, who keeps us grounded, likes to drive at night, and keeps the rest of the band from picking on the lone girl too much. (I realize Mr. Scott looks very little like the actual tour manager, but in the future, I will really want him in this movie.)
And lastly, a young Sigourney Weaver will play me, the merch girl, a hipster with a heart of gold, who is both intentionally and unintentionally awkward, perpetually young at heart and spirit, and who does not have a romantic side-story with any of the other characters. Ever.
(Y’all? Sometimes, a girl can travel and live with 6 guys for months at a time, and she does it with no romantic ulterior motives. I know, crazy, right? But not all merch girls are trying to sleep with musicians, sometimes they just like to travel and have adventures. In my experience, being a merch girl is 2 parts personal assistant, 4 parts life coach, and 16 parts little sister. No, seriously, they pick on me a LOT.)