While Kim was busy interviewing me on tour, I was busy interviewing her. The results are startling-
Tell us a little bit about yourself. Can we get it in a pro/con list?
Pro – sweet hair color, kind of sketchy but in a good way, computer skillz
Con – ginger (no soul), willfully redneck
So, you’re a bit of an amateur artist. How did you realize you were talented at drawing ridiculous photos for friends?
I did pencil sketches for like $40 a pop in high school. Real talk.
I actually started my college career as an art major, got about two days in and thought, ‘Gee, I’d like to have a job someday’, so that was the end of that. I have a really hard time taking anything seriously, so portraits of friends naturally turned into fantasy art.
What made you switch from art to computers in college? Did you do it for the community service aspect – making dreams come true for computer geeks?
I like computers. I like code. Cynically, I figured it was something I could make decent money in, just about anywhere. I tried to stay as far away from the nerds as I could. They weren’t intimidating really, just… creepy. I had a little anti-social shell of friends that I surrounded myself with: the subset of CompSci majors who are relatively normal (~20%) that must have gotten lost on their way to sign up for mechanical engineering.
What was it like looking like you do and studying computer science? Do you think any of your classmates went back to their dorms and created computer animations of your likeness?
I got accused of making a guy fail a test one day when I had my thong hanging out. Not my fault if the auditorium seating gave him a good view but I’m pretty proud if that’s true. Girls make up < 5% of CompSci majors after about the first semester, so it was definitely strange. In my senior year, we had an auditorium of at least 100 people and three girls: an over-achieving Asian, a goth, and me. I think I came across as a really good student because I was always the one who had the assignment due on Monday done by Thursday night, but only because I was planning on getting alcohol poisoning over the weekend.
What exactly do you do at your job? And what do you do at your job that isn’t necessarily job-related?
Well, I hear a lot of stories about 1980’s Seneca from across the hall, stories involving Camaros and Rumpleminze, and I participate in making the office a horribly sexually unsafe work environment most days. No, but tomorrow for example, I need to set up a printer and a network scanner for the Board of Trustees’ secretary and do a Mac setup workshop for incoming freshmen (many of whom, staggeringly, don’t know what “Copy & Paste” is). Highlight of the week: I’m moving a guy’s computer to a different desk in his office and he asked me if he’ll need to buy longer cables for his keyboard and monitor. He didn’t realize we were going to move his computer itself; he thought we were just going to stretch all the cables across the room. #jobsecurity
So, several sources [mainly, the interviewer] claim that you’re planning a wedding. What part of this special day are you most excited for?
Kyle Hooper’s dad Joey, shirtless, mustached, Fry-Daddying catfish and chain-smoking in jorts.
What are you favorite things about your bridesmaids, Dava and Lauren? Least favorite?
Favorite thing about Dava: filterless!
Favorite thing about Lauren: has the ability to be a voice of reason in the wilderness
Least favorite thing about Dava: is developing a sense of shame, untagging herself in terrible pictures
Lease favorite thing about Lauren: she escaped from my basement and is trying to live in the world on her own
Which classes are you planning to take for fun and why and do you think NASA will be calling you soon when they hear that your hobbies involve molecular biochemisty?
It was going to be Chem 101 or Arabic but I’m getting progressively lazier as the summer unfolds and it gets closer to being time to register and pay any lab fees. NASA might have to wait until after I retire and can resume being a fulltime student/bullshitter.
Unnamed sources claim that you authored the Twilight series and hired Stephanie Meyer to be the public face of the empire so as to maintain your lifestyle. Care to confirm or deny?
Team LetsInventATimeMachineSoStephanieMeyerNeverHappened
Fill in the blank-
If I could change careers and be anything my heart desired, I’d be _THIS (really!)_.
If I could change anything about Lauren, I would change _her haircolor (complete our rainbow family)_.
My favorite memory of living with Dava is _playing fast and loose with Bacardi 151_. My favorite memory of living with Lauren is _Lifetime movies and rendering harsh judgments_. If we all lived in a house together, it would be _condemned in a week_.
My favorite meal I’ve ever made is _turnip greens and bacon_.
_Coors Light/black truffles_ are great when paired with tilapia.
_Real Housewives of Seneca_ is a _my ticket to stardom_.