#wallpapersucks

So last Friday (a mere, I believe, 51 days after I submitted my initial offer) I bought a house.

It’s a 2600 ft.2 masterpiece of off-square doorways, wood panelling, and bad wallpaper sitting on a jungely acre of dandelion weeds and ant hills (that I gave the Viet Kong treatment last weekend). Having moved from a cramped apartment, as far as space is concerned, it’s a complete embarrassment of riches. We’ve only got enough furniture to fill a tiny fraction of the space.

But that’s what industrial cable spools and egg crates are for.
(If I had theme music, it would be set to the banjo, but that’s another story.)

It’s got good bones, as the saying goes, but it’s got eczema in the form of some fugly wallpaper. That has been this week’s project. Speaking of dry, itchy feelings, I spent a little over $6K in two days last weekend. Shazaam!

the master bathroom, stripped of it's cherubim (yes) wallpaper

the master bathroom, stripped of it's cherubim (yes) wallpaper

To leave the amazing room divider or not?

To leave the amazing room divider or not?

The fridge has been switched out for a gently used Frigidaire Gallery. The cabinets are losing their Medieval Times hardware and are getting slapped with a coat of robin's egg blue this week. The wallpaper gave up the ghost last night. The linoleum floor and the epic formica countertops will live to fight another day, as my back account nurses its wounds.

The fridge has been switched out for a gently used Frigidaire Gallery. The cabinets are losing their Medieval Times hardware and are getting slapped with a coat of robin's egg blue paint this week. The wallpaper gave up the ghost last night. The linoleum floor and the straight-out-of-my-childhood formica countertops will live to fight another day, as my savings account skulks back into the shadows to nurse its wounds.

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accentuate the negative

I’m getting married next April, so it’s probably about time to start wedding planning. Now, I don’t like weddings and I can’t say I’m looking forward to planning one. I’m a tomboy to begin with and to boot, I’m terrible at taking traditions seriously (I’m gunning for an open-bar funeral). Luckily I’ve got catlady in training former embittered concierge to the rich and entitled co-Maid of Honor Lauren for that kind of girly stuff.

First order of business: the No-No List.

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Some high/lowlights:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
It’s like the wildcard spot on the wedding bingo card: it’s a given. I don’t think I’ve been to a wedding yet where there hasn’t been a reading of Corinthians. Do a shot for Corinthians. Chug your drink if they follow it up with Ecclesiastes.

flower girls & ring bearers
Not cute, not necessary. File this under Justify Your Existence.

the Electric Slide
No.

1,000 wedding photos
Here’s the thing: you’re not going to look at your wedding album any more often than you do a Facebook album. You’re not. Don’t tell me you are, because you’re not. It’s a nice keepsake. It’s worth having a few prints made, maybe framed, but that’s it. You don’t need an uncomfortable, formal photo of every combination of bridal party members. You don’t need staged Harlequin bookcover shoots of you and your spouse in a field of wildflowers, in the romantic glow of dusk. That shit looks retarded. Don’t waste your time. A couple shots of the bridesmaids, a couple shots of the groomsmen, and let’s get to it.

curling irons
NUH-UH
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*We did come up with a few things we actually like, despite our best efforts, including spin art, entertaining programs for the guests to read before the ceremony starts, pyramids…

One stroke of genius not mentioned on the napkin was our idea to replace the traditional wedding processional with an acoustic rendition of Laffy Taffy:

The elevator pitch: “”"country”"” themed (there are three sets of quotes because I need to emphasize how obliquely I want to approach this theme). Picnic tables, old tablecloths, rustic, imperfect details. Short, white dresses on the whole bridal party. Bright colored shoes. Food that lends itself to big stockpots (a nice low country boil or a fried turkey).

pecan-crusted chicken

Pecan Crusted Chicken

I made this last night and it’s going on the short list!

Via EverydayPaleo.com

SHYEAH

UntitledVia http://whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com

swole

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This is what came up when I Google Imaged "jim wendler" and frankly, I'm delighted with it.

When you are a 5′6″, 130# female, who’s current – hey, back injury, what’s up? – max deadlift is somewhere in the neighborhood of 160 lbs., how do you climb back on the lifting horse?

Obviously, you follow a periodization scheme developed by a man whose traps look like the result of plate techtonics.

I’m a month and some loose change in but so far, so good; results are slow and steady but I’m up 10 lbs. on my squat and deadlift and 5 lbs. on my overhead press and bench.

Here’s a nice breakdown of Jim Wendler’s 5/3/1 plan on [why didn't I name my blog] TheSwole.com.